Diversity Day

Season 1 - Episode 02
"Diversity Day"
Written by B.J. Novak
Directed by Ken Kwapis


Michael: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?
Mr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks.
Michael: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.

Michael: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.

Jim: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. [Shedder whirring] Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.
Jim: Do you really have to do that right now?
Dwight: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.
Jim: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. [Power off, silence] Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... [Dialing tone] Hello? Thanks, Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: That is not the expression.
Dwight: Well, it should be.

Jim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?

Jim: Solitaire?
Pam: Yeah, Freecell.
Jim: Six on seven.
Pam: I know. I saw that.
Jim: So then, why didn't you do it?
Pam: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Jim: Who doesn't love that?

Michael: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?
Oscar: All right.
Michael: Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oscar: It was fine.
Michael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar---
Oscar: Martinez.
Michael: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!
Mr. Brown: Great. We're all set.
Michael: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?
Jim: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.
Michael: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.
Jim: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.

Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.
Michael: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!
Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
Michael: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Mr. Brown: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.
Michael: Exactly, were not...
Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.
Michael: With tolerance.
Mr. Brown: No. With more ignorance.
Michael: Ignorance.
Mr. Brown: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.
Michael: Let's celebrate.
Mr. Brown: Right. OK.
Michael: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?
Mr. Brown: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...
Michael: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?
Michael: Yes.
Mr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.
Michael: OK.
Mr. Brown: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.
Dwight: A few of the ground rules?
Michael: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.
Dwight: OK, can we steer away from gay people?
Mr. Brown: Um...
Dwight: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.
Mr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour.
Dwight: I figured it would save time.
Michael: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...
Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown.
Michael: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.

Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?

Mr. Brown: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.
Michael: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Mr. Brown: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.
Michael: OK, I will play guy listening.
Mr. Brown: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?
Kevin: I remember.
Mr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.
Michael: OK.

Michael: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.

Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Michael: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid!
Mr. Brown: Wait a second.
Michael: [Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
Mr. Brown: Stop it!
Michael: [As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie?

Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
Mr. Brown: OK.
Dwight: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.
Mr. Brown: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.
Michael: [Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this.
Mr. Brown: I can't leave until you do.
Michael: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?
Mr. Brown: Michael, can I talk to you candidly?
Michael: Sure.

Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.
Michael: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.
Mr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.
Michael: OK, well I know. You told me that several times.
Mr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.
Michael: OK.
Mr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.
Michael: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.
Mr. Brown: Don't worry about dating.
Michael: I won't.
Mr. Brown: OK. Thank you.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.

Michael: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that.

Jim: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.
Michael: "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.

Michael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.
Toby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]
Michael: Get out.
Toby: I'm sorry.
Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.

Michael: [on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Michael: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Jim: : Uh, is that it?
Michael: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Kevin: It was kind of hard to hear.
Michael: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...
Kelly: I have a customer meeting.
Michael: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Oscar: What part Native American?
Michael: Two fifteenths.
Oscar: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.
Michael: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oscar: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.
Michael: Oh, yeah...
Oscar: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.
Michael: Wow.
Oscar: My parents were Mexican.
Michael: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?
Oscar: Thank... Yeah...
Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive.
Michael: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like... I don't... I don't know.
Oscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty...
Oscar: I'm just curious.
Michael: ...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!
Jim: Hello? Hello?

Michael: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.

Michael: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...

Michael: Oh this is a good one.
Pam: Um, hi. How are you?
Stanley: Fine. How are you?
Pam: Great.
Michael: Push it.
Stanley: I admire your culture's success in America.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
Stanley: Who am I supposed to be?
Michael: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.
Dwight: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.
Dwight: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam: OK, I like your food.
Dwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I'm Australian, mate!
Michael: Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.
Pam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?

Michael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

Jim: What are you watching?
Ryan: Chappelle's Show.
Jim: Really?
Ryan: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.
Jim: No way. I think she likes this stuff.
Ryan: Great. She's cute, huh?
Jim: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...
Ryan: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.
Jim: Oh, yeah. She's hot.

Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
Angela: Stop...
Michael: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.

Michael: [Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you?
Kelly: I just had the longest meeting.
Michael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!]
Michael: [trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

Jim: [on the phone] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.

Michael: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.
Kevin: [Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.

Jim: [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey.
Pam: [stirs] Mmmm.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: We can go.
Pam: Sorry.
Jim: That's fine.

Jim: Uh... Not a bad day.

Deleted Scenes

Deleted Scene 1

Mr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour.
Michael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.
Mr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase?
Michael: No, the country.
Mr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years.
Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000.
Mr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick.

Deleted Scene 2

Dwight: I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.

Deleted Scene 3

Mr. Brown: HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Michael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind...
Mr. Brown: Oh, nice.
Michael: Expectations....
Mr. Brown: Good.
Michael: Thank you. Sharing...
Mr. Brown: Great.
Michael: And tolerance.
Mr. Brown: Beautiful.
Pam: Um, that spells incest.
Mr. Brown: Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate.
Michael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.
Mr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid.
Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...
Mr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just...
Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.

Pam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either.

Deleted Scene 4

Mr. Brown: Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?
Ryan: I have something.
Mr. Brown: Yes, please.
Ryan: Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about...
Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.
Mr. Brown: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful.
Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?
Ryan: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.
Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time.

Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um...

Deleted Scene 5

Michael: "In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it.

Deleted Scene 6

Dwight: What you doing?
Jim: Freecell.
Dwight: Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players.
Jim: Well, I mean.
Dwight: What's your win rate?
Pam: Seventy-six percent. What's yours?
Dwight: You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over.
Pam: You're doing fine.

Deleted Scene 7

Michael: Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready.
Dwight: Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action.
Michael: [mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again.
Dwight: Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action.
Michael: Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.
Dwight: Take six.
Michael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.
Dwight: Action.
Michael: Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God.
Dwight: And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready.
Michael: Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Dwight: Cut.

Deleted Scene 8

Michael: [wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out.

Deleted Scene 9

Michael: Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.

Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]

Deleted Scene 10

Jim: Um, what's going on here?
Pam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are.
Jim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down]
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Jim: Yes, yes.
Dwight: God!
Jim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here...
Dwight: It's not fair.
Jim: Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote]
Dwight: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Jim: Go get 'em.
Dwight: Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?
Pam: No.
Dwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Am I nomadic?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?
Pam: No.
Dwight: No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates]

Dwight: [Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French.

Dwight: [takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!
Michael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?
Pam: It didn't have anything to do with race.
Michael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.

Deleted Scene 11

Pam: One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time.

Michael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?
Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?
Michael: What, huh?
Pam: What card was she?
Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card.
Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.

The Pilot

Season 1 - Episode 01
"Pilot"
Written by Greg Daniels, Ricky Gervais, and Stephen Merchant
Directed by Ken Kwapis


Michael: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...
Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.
Michael: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.

Michael: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done.

Michael: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: Well. I don't know.
Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]
Pam: What?
Michael: Any messages?
Pam: Uh, yeah. Just a fax.
Michael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
Pam: You haven't told me.
Michael: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.

Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

Dwight: [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming]

Jim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.

Michael: Whassup!
Jim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Michael: Whassup!
Dwight: Whassup!
Michael: Whass...up!
Dwight: Whassup.
Michael: [Strains, grunts] What?
Jim: Nothing.
Michael: OK. All right. See you later.
Jim: All right. Take care.
Michael: Back to work.

Jan: [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great.

Michael: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.

Jan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael: Um... Me no get an agenda.
Jan: What? I'm sorry?
Michael: I didn't get any agenda.
Jan: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.
Michael: Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam: Uh, yeah, the one...
Michael: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Pam: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
Michael: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Jan: Do you want to look at mine?
Michael: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.
Jan: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
Michael: OK...
Jan: Michael, don't panic.
Michael: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.
Jan: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.
Michael: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
Jan: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael: OK. No problem.
Jan: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.
Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?

Michael: Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go ahead.
Michel: Packman.
Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen.
Michael: Oh, that's not appropriate.
Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael: Uh, I don't know what you mean.
Todd Packer: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
Jan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that.

Phyllis: So what does downsizing actually mean?
Stanley: Well...

Oscar: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.

Angela: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.

Pam: I have an important question for you.
Jim: Yes?
Pam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.

Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: Hey.
Ryan: Hey.
Pam: This is Mr. Scott.
Michael: Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Michael: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Ryan: Yup.
Michael: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German]

Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

Jim: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk.
Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Dwight: You can't do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim: [crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight: Downsizing?

Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Pam: You just still have these messages from yesterday.
Michael: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]
Pam: What?
Michael: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
Pam: Don't we all?
Michael: I'm sorry?
Pam: Nothing.
Michael: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs]

Michael: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

Michael: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Dwight: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?
Michael: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.
Oscar: Can't you just tell us.
Dwight: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael: You don't know what it is. [Laughs]
Dwight: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.
Michael: I don't need your permission.
Dwight: Go ahead.
Michael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.

Ryan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.

Oscar: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael: Not gonna happen.
Stanley: It could be out of your hands Michael.
Michael: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.
Stanley: Can you promise that?
Dwight: On his mother's grave.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: What?
Michael: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
Stanley: It's just that we need to know.
Michael: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Man: Are you sure about that?
Michael: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Pam, information is power.
Stanley: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?
Michael: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.

Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.

Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs]

Michael: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.
Ryan: What's up? Nice to meet you.
Michael: Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.
Michael: That's his profit.
Dwight: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.

Dwight: Damn it! Jim!
Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Pam: [Laughing]
Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

Dwight: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

Michael: What is that?
Dwight: That is my stapler.
Michael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight: OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him?
Jim: How do you know it was me?
Dwight: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael: Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael: [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
Michael: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Jim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.
Pam: So when are we going out?
Jim: Tonight, hopefully.
Pam: OK. Yeah.
Roy: Hey, man.
Jim: What's going on?
Roy: Hey, baby.
Pam: Hey.

Pam: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.

Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.
Pam: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
Jim: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.
Roy: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Um... What's in the bag?
Roy: Just tell her I'll talk to her later.
Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.

Jim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head]

Michael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?
Ryan: All right.
Michael: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...
Pam: You got a fax.
Michael: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam: What? Why?
Michael: Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael: Post-it Notes.
Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?
Michael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael: Yeah. I am.
Pam: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.
Michael: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
Michael: [Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.
Pam: You're a jerk.
Michael: I don't know about that.

Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Jim: How are things?
Pam: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...
Jim: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?
Pam: It's better, thanks.
Jim: Good. Good.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That's great
Pam: Is...?
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Um... Are you...
Jim: Am I walking out?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: Yes, I... Do you want to...
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Great. Let me just...
Jim: [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy.
Pam: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.
Jim: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here.

Deleted Scene 1

Dwight: Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.

Michael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.

Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.

Deleted Scene 2

Michael: Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: I guess.
Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.
Pam: What?
Michael: Messages?

Deleted Scene 3

Dwight: People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, "Hello, how are you? How's business been going?" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.

Deleted Scene 4

Michael: Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly?
Ryan: Uh, Shemp.
Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.
Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.
Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs]

Deleted Scene 5

Michael: All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.

Deleted Scene 6

Michael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.

Deleted Scene 7

Angela: My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.
Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.
Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.
Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.
Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.
Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um...
Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.
Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.

Deleted Scene 8

Michael: What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.

Deleted Scene 9

Michael: What's that?
Pam: Wired.
Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?
Pam: Smoked turkey.
Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

Deleted Scene 10

Michael: Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello.

Deleted Scene 11

Documentary Crew Member: [boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?
Dwight: That's fine.
Documentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it...
Dwight: I'm sorry it makes me nervous.
Documentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible.
Dwight: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's...
Dwight: I'm doing my job.

Deleted Scene 12

Michael: I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

Welcome

I tend to quote the Office a lot and sometimes when I need to know how a certain line is delivered I'll have to rush over to my DVD's and find the episode and watch the scene. Its time consuming and annoying. So I've decided to create a blog that transcribes each episode. It will be affiliated to http://theofficereview.blogspot.com/


I'm reminded of that scene from "The Client" where Michael calls Pam and asks her to find a good joke to tell